I'm really frustrated. Not in an emotional or blow-up way. Just in a sadly unmotivated and tired way.

I told the teacher I needed to ask about going back home for a week, and she said it had nothing to do with her. I said she needed to know and had I sent her the dates? She said something like no, I don't know, they know, OK.

I was just tired and teaching didn't click for me all day. Half of the classes I had to teach by myself, and they just seemed really inefficient, unclear, and out of my control. I decided to use some Chinese and talked more but felt like we communicated less. Sometimes there's better comm when the kids are just watching my handmotions and feeling it out. Or maybe it's just that I wasn't able to keep up with THEIR Chinese. I don't know. I wanted to sleep. Didn't talk to my driver the entire trip to the school. I just don't feel up to all this. We talked about this week last night. Had some really good talk and fun with the team. Mentioned that this team might be a stew in the cooking. Hot and humid, murky, a lot of stirring. Not seeing where we're going till it's over. And progress. Totally. But not visible for now. It'll just be the working out of something bigger than we can see in our little fog here. But I didn't know when I said that last night that I'd be feeling THIS bad! I'm not sad. I'm not really hurt or even angry or annoyed. I'm just trying to walk through like a whole swimming pool of that stew I was talking about and I put way too much blended peas and cornstarch and it's way to thick and sticky and I'm slowing down, taking one more step each minute...or maybe not...maybe I'll get up the steps out of the trainstation and maybe to school. Then, maybe I can teach. Let's try to smile now. I don't even think I'm being self-centered any more when I'm not smiling. I think it's just I don't hardly know where I am and what I'm doing or WHY....maybe not where and with who, for whom, to who, but WHY and WHY this, WHY HERE, WHY NOW....sometimes sleep is easier of a time to be trusting God and laying down in peace than when on the go and moving around...even for agitated hearts that seem to want to move somewhere, yet just sit down on their haunches and WON'T go nowhere...yeah. but I just don't realize how little I know about everything I know.