Quote from tonight: What happened? Where did this revival come from? Why did God work so mightily here in this country in this place in this day? The answer is, because He was invited.

Photo Courtesy of Eric Liou, Teacher at Zhuo Fong Elementary

Just jotted this down...

I'm falling through this forest of dreams tonight 

They're too much for me

But now that my blindfold has been removed

I'm falling through with my eyes wide open.

These are the dreams that I've been too scared to see.

These are the dreams that I've been too scared to follow.

But now that my blindfold has been removed

I'm falling through with my eyes wide open. 

These are the dreams that my fears have silenced.

These are the dreams wrapped up in my heart.

But now that my blindfold has been removed

I'm falling through with my eyes wide open.

I'm falling through this forest of dreams tonight

They're too much for me

It's weird like waking up on the wrong side

And broad daylight is too much for my open eyes.

I'm falling through this forest of dreams tonight

The night is blinding me.

Blindfold gone, I want to run back

To where I had sight behind my blinds.

But these are the dreams that I've been too scared to see.

These are the dreams I have lived for.

These are the dreams that I've been to scared to follow

These are the dreams that have nearly walked out the door.

These are the dreams that my fears have silenced.

These are the dreams wrapped up in my heart.

But now that my blindfold has been removed.

I'm falling through with my eyes wide open.

I'm staring my dreams right in the face and

They're staring right back at me.

We've come face to face with no more disgraces

And I'm falling through life with my eyes wide open.

Falling into place.

journal - poem on loyalty, prayer list, and poem on prayer

June 6, 2011

Loyalty.

I wanted to spew my colors

To make the world, richer, fuller

I wanted to be a life

Fill the space around me with my shades of light

Then God told me to keep my heart

Keep those rays within my guard

He wanted me to grow in faithfulness

Faithfulness can seem so colorless

But I have learned that holding in

Makes me dark within

Deepens my heart's hues

And life is richer when I'm me and you are you.

(Spewing is pale

Venting is rabid

Splashes of lightning

Like lifeless gale.

Holding is rich

Keeping is powerful

Guarding our souls

like potent reservoirs.

Concentration is strength.)

praying for bekah and josh today.

praying for liberation from ancestor worship

praying for liberation from spirit appeasement

praying for unity in our home

praying for school tomorrow

prayer.

i'm standing here as tall oaks bend over in thoughtful gaze

they look at me as though something has happened today

their arms so twisted in agony and painful tears fall as they play, it's august

but august brings winter, and winter death - something i've come to know as standing right here, 

i go my way.

i don't stop to, look its way, but it comes with me

and no matter where i go, where i pause, it's over me

here. i'm still here. it takes forever, to go anywhere

but it takes even longer to stay where you are.

i like to think that tears falling down, from oak to the ground

don't stay. they run away.

like waters drunk by thirsty ground, they're drunk down

eagerly. they are needed.

and i too am needed here.

maybe i can catch the fluttery tears without breaking them

they are crisp from the heat of the past season

they fall without reason. maybe i'm reason enough

for them to fall and be caught

i think i know. i know something that sustains me.

keeps me here even longer than the tears that fall onto me.

the eyebrows cringe, wrinkles stare stolidly, and tears continue to come down on me.

oak tears are much like mine, but they come from me, when i die. 

i know. i know. something that keeps me here as we

enter into eternity. i wear. i wear something that sleeves me like a shirt sleeves a body, cause i am only an arm.

And since I'm just an arm...I can't ever really cry cause i have no eyes. i just feel the throbbing of sobbing chest and wrenched blue heart, fading into obscurity. 

those are the times that i finally feel alive - when i feel the oak leaves fall, onto me. when i feel the tears of God fall. on my wrist. they have fallen so long in my life, that i've come alive and they have stopped. i have outlived them. only because. they have fallen. and when the seasons have changed, and i too have fallen, maybe i too will cry along with them. and our tears will fall on the heads of others who stand under oak trees, long bent over, in prayer. 

Distracted.

Tired. Taught anyway. Not well. But taught. No. Watched the kids struggle to learn. Swam anyway. No. Watched the kids swim. Hugged them anyway. No. Watched them struggle to find me today. Find me behind me. They're agitated. It's not just me. We're both agitated. Maybe we've been connected somehow, but today we've been mixed up. Distracted. And anxious because of it. Tired. Slept anyway. Yeah. Sleep is hard for the tired. Saw God. No. Was seen by God. He gave me more today, once again, once more, once in a lifetime. Yet never ending. Kids from last year wrote to me. Cried. No. Wanted to. Again. Still more tired. More distracted. I hope tomorrow, as I'm with students once again, doesn't make all of us more anxious...Still. I should want to focus. But on what? Not on anyone I guess. On God. Yes. On God.

More journaling

Praying for the alternative service "guard" at Juo Shi elementary and the English teacher I work with there. God worked miracles today again. I talked with the "guard". I said I cared for the things of others only because of God. He said he agreed with me and that he also made a promise to his god, Buddha and a few others. I asked him how he chose his gods. He said by how he felt about it. So we got to talk about feelings. He asked if I'd heard God before. (that was God's spirit moving. who has been praying?!) I told him how I would write down verses and then compare them later. God totally prepared me for this in the last couple weeks, first teaching me about patience in waiting for confirmation of visions in the book my parents gave me for my birthday. Ever since the retreat, I have been writing down verses, esp last week, I just wrote down all the verses that have been brought up and reaffirmed by different people this year. Working with the English teacher was miraculous as well. He normally just talks about what we "Sweitzer teachers" do wrong in general, how the students don't learn anything, and about why they don't really need us here. Today was the first he's thanked me for teaching the students something. This is all beyond my comprehension. Yesterday, the teacher at another school was driving me home and something in the conversation somehow made me think of what had happened Sunday night with me forgetting my money and ending up meeting Peter, my student, and having a good talk with him. Later, I found the connection between this story and our actual conversation had been pretty remote. It was definitely God making me speak. The teacher really responded, sharing from his own life how he thought what I said was true. I don't understand, but God is good, and I will continue to look for His goodness.

J O U R N A L

 JOURNAL

May 29, 2011

Last evening, I was really encouraged by Kerstin's sharing about how God led her from fear of students to love and how God led her to grow in her faith as she started sharing things and other teachers not only accepted but embraced her Christian materials. I felt like I could go home now and live in faith. God spoke through the sermon today too, reminding me that just as Joseph was able to do right no matter where he was, in Egypt or at home, serving Potiphar or family, so I can be one who always knows WHAT right is wherever God has me. I can go home now and continue to follow Him. 

Today, awww, I'll write about this some other time. Or not. We played some sports with junior highers from church and I am amazed. And I'm thinking about so many things now. AWHWHHHH. OK!! 

And, you'll never guess what happened. So I'm going to seven after team meeting and imma get some ice cream for Jess too. So I get out there and my parents call and i talk for like twenty minutes, get my stuff, and....I don't have enough money. I was sure I had like a hundred bucks in my wallet but oh well. Go home. I'm embarrassed, but somehow refocused and was like hey there's no reason for this, i think it's God, I want to see what reason he has for this. so i go home, get my haha thousand dollar bill, and go back to seven just in time to see Peter from church pull in. and yes, i must need to talk to him. so walk in right, pay for my stuff, and start talking to Peter. I made sure he was alright first then keep talking as we wait for the stoplight going home. Out of the blue. "Ben you know that kid?" What kid? "You know the one with the purple shirt who was here today?" ok it wasn't purple, but i finally figure out who it is after a few more questions lol. so he's like, "he's like really weird! is something wrong with him? he can't remember his own name he can't remember anything..." i'm like he can remember, he's like that with new people. his family is not very good. his parents aren't always around and he's an only child. he's only in third grade but he acts like he's in first sometimes. he goes to church...by himself, but i  don't, well, i think he really has felt God's spirit before but I don't think he knows what to do. i think we can just pray for him and pray for wisdom for ourselves." At that point, Peter turns the conversation around and amazes me. Peter, the little irresponsible brother of an older sister. Peter the small lanky boy barely in junior high who barely flunked his way through 6th grade english and is slow to plug into most social gatherings, seemingly cowardly, seemingly small in all aspects but smile, his smile being bigger and freer that anything really should be it seems...Peter surprised me, and it was God. I praised the Lord immediately as he left. He said, "Ben, this kid really needs a lot of patience. Ben, we really need to pray for him. We need to spend more time with him and find out how we can spend more time with him. Ben, we can talk about this more next time. He needs people to reach out to him." I'm still amazed. The emotion has passed, but my heart is still stunned. At the Lord's goodness. At the Lord's power. And I came, I brushed with, came this close, in real encounter with the Lord's sovereignty. I'd like to forget my wallet again. And next time, I won't forget to say, "God HAS a reason for this moment. I want to SEE this moment."

May 28, 2011

Thinking about Grace from last year's school Ming Li because I just found a gum wrapper in my sticker bag from gum I think I received from her last year. Trying not to just think, but to pray. 

Today, we invited teachers over for dinner and "Facing the Giants." Never give up. 

...song...

(spoken in background) 

Your love is everlasting 

Your life is never ending 

Your rivers never running out 

Like tears that never stop to dry

(Verse) Lord, You look down

And You don't frown

You just make sounds

Like a dying man

Lord, I've been bound

And my heart pounds

Walked too far around

To come back now

(bridge) But You're seeing

All I'm needing

To keep breathing

And You feel my eyes

And You're being

All I'm needing

To keep breathing

And You fill my life

With Yours

(verse) Lord, You used to

Patiently move

Each day I grew

And You would wait

Lord, You bend my

Every limb like

Trees so alive

When in the wind

(bridge) But You're seeing

All I'm needing

To keep breathing

And You feel my eyes

And You're being

All I'm needing

To keep breathing

And You fill my life

With Yours

(chorus) And I'm bleeding everything

That in need I received from You

So that all the life I'm filled up with within

Is flowing now from You

To them. 

(verse) Lord, I rest now

Tearing, I bow

Fold myself how

I do not know

Lord, I just cry

To be Yours tonight

So when bright lights

Rise, I'm still alive.